Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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