I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
why do cheetos always look like penises
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
