She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
