well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
