I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
