so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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