People in love make me want to vomit
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
