I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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