I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
We got so high we made milksteak
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
