Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
