ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
