Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
