1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
operation harelip BJ is a go
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Randomize
