remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
