Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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