then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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