I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
