you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
