i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
