Moan for me like Helen Keller
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
