the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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