i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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