i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
