this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
