I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
