drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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