I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
