My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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