you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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