The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
i now understand why vodka
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
