tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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