apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
