When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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