I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
