think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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