Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
