Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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