he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
