i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I would fuck him just for his dog
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
