The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
