yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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