call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
