I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
