Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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