You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
