i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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