Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
