I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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