Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
