I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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