I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
